If planning a wedding as a bride is like a part-time job, than being a maid of honor is equally a part-time job. A part time job in which you don’t get paid, but do have to pay a lot of taxes and receive absolutely no benefits. You just do it to make your boss happy. I know that sounds miserable, but I really don’t think it is. As long as you get into it with the right state of mind and know that it a) it really is time consuming b) will cost some money c) is only as fun as you make it, I think you’ll enjoy your maid of honor duties.

Of course, you may ask right off the bat whether I even have any experience to back this post up. Sorry, but I don’t. I do know a lot of people who do, and I also can vouch for sharing the perspective of a bride (who had a kick ass MOH by the way).

There are five main types of duties you have as a MOH. This is mainly from my experience and could completely change depending on the bride’s family, the length of the engagement and even just the bride’s preferences. She may want less of a fuss or to do some of it herself (Lauren Conrad threw herself a 2nd bachelorette party BTW), so you’ll have to feel it out.

The best way to do this is to be honest with the bride, and ask her what she wants and expects. It could end up being weird if you don’t come through with something you didn’t even know you were supposed to do. It’s just way easier and less dramatic if that conversation can be avoided and replaced by an open and honest one at the beginning.

I’ll be upfront with you right away, because it’s something my bridesmaids and MOH said about their duties (most of them not having done it before): it gets expensive if you participate in it all. In all honesty, you should participate in as much as you physically can (without going broke or getting fired). These seemingly petty parties feel incredibly meaningful. They’re moments I’ve constantly looked back on with extreme fondness. The thing that made them all so special: the people that surrounded me. It was about celebrating the most important commitment in my life, with the most important people in my life cheering me on.

Imagine what you would want for your big day and try to keep that in mind even when your checking account will no longer allow for two Starbucks a day, because of her wedding. It will all come back around someday and that bride will be there supporting you and watching as you have these big moments.

All this being said: you’re not her slave. You might have to tell your bridezilla bestie into taking a chill pill every once in a while. Do it compassionately and determine whether she’s lashing out due to stress or she’s actually a sucky person. If you decide that your six years of friendship or sisterly relationship is worth enduring, be patient. Take everything she says with a grain of salt and get some space from her. Hopefully she’ll realize the error of her ways.

1. Support for the bride: I think this is the most important part of the “job.” It involves lots of texts and phone calls and listening to details about the linen you couldn’t care less about. Just pretend to care and be that rock for her. Of course, if she gets too ridiculous and starts stressing out about meaningless details, you can remind her that the whole point of this one day is her marriage, not this ivory vs. off-white situation she won’t stop whining about.

Take care of yourself throughout all this. Don’t get stressed about someone else’s wedding, and don’t think you’re responsible for fixing all of her problems. You do not have to drop everything and find her a florist. You just have to listen while she talks about the five florists she met with and what the pro’s and con’s are for each.

Be attentive, compassionate. Just be a friend/sister/mother/daughter. You’re regular role shouldn’t change too much except for how often you have to be that role.

Things this may include:

answering her texts that have questions about which flowers look better on which table
going with her to the occasional vendor meeting
going with her to try on her dress (and then learn how to bustle it at her final fitting)
help with any DIY projects or anything that she needs assistance with

2. Planning events: This gets tricky, because it really depends on the bride and her family. In my case, my MOH planned the bachelorette and worked with my mom to plan one of my bridal showers. (I also had a lingerie shower, thrown by my aunt and cousin.) I would say the bachelorette party is the common expectation.

By no means do you have to do it completely without the bride. I would say talk to the bride about what she wants or likes in a bachelorette and take it from there. Help corral the bridesmaids into making a decision or paying their part, but don’t fell obligated to do it all yourself and DEFINITELY do not pay for it yourself.

Things you might want to think about in regards to a bachelorette party or a bridal shower

games to play
invites (whether you need names/addresses in advance)
party favors to leave with
food/drinks for guests
gag gifts for the bride/bridesmaids
making the bouquet out of bows for the rehearsal
surprise or not a surprise?
keeping a record of gifts she receives, so she can send thank you notes

4. Managing “the vibe:” Anywhere where there are a lot of women involved can get exhausting. Between jealousy, complaints, differing opinions and even differing styles, there can be a lot to deal with in regards to the bridal party. The bride isn’t going to be able to be the main point of contact for the small things. Even if she wants to be, people with often go to the MOH, out of fear of “bothering” the bride. That means you take a brunt of the questions and complaints.

I’m sure it’s not very fun, but, if it’s any consolation, it makes everything for the bride much easier. People complaining about your choices on top of having to make a million more choices on top of being stressed and tired… it wouldn’t work out well. It would rack her with guilt and probably cause silly issues where there would otherwise be none. Try to remember that when someone asks you what color shoe they’re supposed wear for the fifth time. And hope that you have a killer MOH to deal with this crap in the future.

Vibe control continues with you just expressing your genuine excitement and happiness for the bride. Reminding her of the important parts and the good parts of this wedding planning process. If she somehow forgets that the big deal is that she’s marrying the love of her life: remind her. That should perk her right up… otherwise, you have bigger issues here.

Things this may include:

giving your info out to people who need to ask questions
keeping the bridesmaids in line and reminding them when they need to do things like get their dress or pay for the bachelorette party
bringing over wine and just letting the bride chiiiillllll

5. Day-of duties: Okay, here are the main things you have to do on the big day. The important part is to not freak out or get too nervous to enjoy it. You want to have fun too! You worked for this open bar and DJ!

get ready with the bride
keep doing vibe control during getting ready (don’t let issues or problems get to her; pass them on to someone who can deal with them)
help her maneuver in her dress if she needs it
make sure she is excited and feeling good
walk up and down the aisle with the best man
hold her bouquet when she gets up the aisle and return it when she goes back down
fluff her dress and make it pretty for photos throughout the ceremony
possibly hold the rings (we had one of the best men do it)
walk into the reception with the best man (if you want, feel free to plan a silly entrance)
stand with bridesmaids through the first dances
do your big speech (typically about the bride and typically after the best man)
toast the bride and groom
sign the marriage license
make sure the bride eats
make sure the bride’s drinks are flowinggggg
continue to keep her spirits up while making sure she gets to dance and enjoy herself (this may mean intercepting her from people that are notorious for talking a lot)
help her pee if she asks
help the bride’s family with anything they need to wrap up the night

I know. It’s still a lot, but after the speech just down a few and let loose! For your sake, make sure this happens after the speech. You don’t want to be that MOH who’s slurred speech gets replayed on YouTube until the end of time.

I would be a dummy to write this whole post and never once shout out my own MOH, Monica. She went above and beyond the line of duty and constantly made me feel sane, celebrated and supported. I could never thank you enough.

Real Maid of Honor’s Tell You Their Feels:

Since I’ve only ever been in position of the bride, I thought I’d poll some expert MOH’s to see what their experience was like and what they would advise future MOH’s. Here’s what these lovely ladies said:

“I am the calm sister, the “everything is great” sister, the “tell my sister what’s happening and I might have to hurt you” sister. So when her wedding weekend came closer, and a tropical storm rested over her outdoor venue, I assured her it would move along and leave her August (Florida) wedding feeling like a cool fall day. Then her officiant came down with the stomach bug… No big deal, she never knew (until she saw how green he looked as she was walking down the aisle). Then one of the groomsmen had an incident right before walking down the aisle where the pin of his boutonnière stabbed him and left a sizable bloodstain on his fresh white shirt. No biggie, this MOH had it IN THE BAG! Fast forward to the first prayer. I’m breathing a sigh of relief, thinking of all the things I did to make sure my sister had a relaxing day. Next thing I know they’re asking for the rings… The rings that I didn’t have. The rings that I hadn’t once thought of. Had NO idea where they were. I had to admit I didn’t have them, and my sister, who was as calm as a cucumber about it, laughed and put an air ring on his finger. So I messed up big time, but I think keeping her calm throughout the day helped keep her from a total and complete meltdown at the alter. So I guess my best advice is, keep calm and carry the rings!” – Chelsea

“I think the major thing I learned being a MOH is that it is not about you- you can give your opinion but never be upset when they don’t take it. You’re there to listen at all times about what is happening with the wedding, and it is your job to plan a bad ass bachelorette party! Do a good job being a MOH bc they may be yours too.” – Nicole

“Don’t take 6 shots of tequila before you give your MOH speech. Even when the rest of the bridesmaids are telling you to….. Also, make your speech really funny! Sappy speeches are awkward. A line from mine: ‘out of the 173…*174* guys you have dated over the years, I’m really glad you chose Pat!’ Oh! And be prepared to run stressful, last minute errands. Literally an hour before the wedding, my sister realized she left her red Mac lipstick in her bedroom at home. She didn’t know where exactly. So I had to run to the mall (wedding was in DT Tampa on a Saturday) and go buy another one. Do you know how many one way streets there are in DT Tampa? I didn’t know until that day.” – Michelle

“When the bride has planned her wedding since she was 10, the MOH duties are pretty easy.What I learned from being a MOH:

Pick a date and place for the bridal showers/bachelorette party. Don’t wait around for others input. Make the decision and make sure the bride is okay with it.

Keep the bride as calm as possible leading up and on her wedding day. Stay in close contact to the mother of the bride/whoever else is planning. I’m not creative at all so good places for bridal shower/bachelorette party finds: Spencer’s, the Todd, Hobby Lobby, Party City, Fransescas, and Etsy. Practice your MOH speech. I cried every time I practiced it but was able to hold back the tears during the actual speech (however, that may be due to the fireball shots I took right before). Be ready to fluff the brides dress during the ceremony/pictures. Be open/ready to answer questions about the wedding from people invited (I got a lot of “what should I wear?”). Also, I think it’s important to include the groom in the process 😉 (one of my favorites was video recording the groom questions and answers and have the bride answer those same questions at her shower and show the grooms response

after.. See how similar their answers are!). Have fun!” – Monica