The age old question of who the heck to invite to your wedding is not one to scoff at. I think it seems easy to everyone who hasn’t made a guest list, but once you make one, you realize what a feat it was. It is extremely difficult to prioritize your friends and family, but then you throw in opinions from parents and future in-laws and things just get messy. 
 
There are a lot of “formulas” out there on Pinterest about this question, but as usual, I don’t think any of them are one size fits all. I think it really is a personal choice that you have to make together with your husband and truly think long and hard about. I also would like to give you permission to be strict and a little selfish. It’s hard to do, because people sometimes invite off of obligation or “feeling bad” and that’s just not the right place to come from. You have to shake all that and look at your list as who you would like to see when you walk down the aisle. 
 
I would first suggest that you work with your fiancé to set your priorities. Be on the same page with him or her so that when you work with the parents they’re hearing the same thing from both of you. If this is something your fiancé and you disagree on, you do have to make compromises until you come up with the final criteria for being invited. The selfishness comes when making your individual family/friend decisions and from your parents lists.  The latter can be the difficult and time consuming part.
 
My tips for working with your fiancé and your parents:

• Set the number upfront: Tell them you’re inviting x amount of people total. Don’t let that number go in this guest list. Adding just a couple people can significantly affect your budget. It’s a little more difficult when your parent is paying and offering to increase the budget so they can invite more people. I still think you stand your ground if you’re attached to a specific size wedding. Even if you’re open to a larger number, make sure you see their additional guests before you agree and remember it’s only fair that the other family gets the same opportunity to add more people… 
• Tell them the guidelines that you’re going by: Tell them upfront if you know you’re going to be picky with guests. Say that you don’t want anyone there you’ve never met or that you want it to be a child-free event. Tell them before they starting adding your fourth cousin’s daughter or their college roommate they haven’t spoken with in 10 years…
• Let them cut after the first round: If you gave them the above two bullets upfront and still feel they need to make cuts, let them do it based on priority. Tell them how many people they have to cut and potentially from what category (i.e. we need 3 less family friends). Let them sort who they’re closest to. If there are individual people on their that seem way off or that you’d prefer not to attend, have delicate conversations about it. I would suggest have your fiancé talk to his parents and you to yours, so no one feels targeted. This is where it’s good to have a united front. 
• Be gentle: I’ve heard from a lot of family and friends about how difficult and tumultuous this process can be. Feels get hurt and arguments spur simply because each of you imagines this day a certain way. Just be gentle and understand that this is first and foremost your fiancé and your moment BUT it is also your parents’ moment. They likely feel proud and excited to share it with their loved ones too. 

 

 

 

Family

There are sooo many different types of family members and family dynamics, that you really have to play it on a case-by-case basis. Immediate family should be invited (grandparents, siblings, parents) unless there is some sort of major reason why they can’t be. I would also say aunts, uncles and first cousins should be there as well. If you have a question about their kiddos, keep scrolling for my opinion. After that, feel free to pick and choose. Invite who you have spoken to or seen in the last three years. Invite the people that actually try to be a part of your family. Invite the people that will be there for you the rest of your life. If there’s some sort of family drama or divide, then you need to figure out what will make for the most drama-free day. If you’re parents and you love Great Aunt Jane, but your Aunt Susan doesn’t get along with her, Great Aunt Jane makes the list and Aunt Susan can deal. If your parents haven’t spoken to Uncle Bob in 10 years, but he still keeps in touch with your cousin Joe, he doesn’t make the list UNLESS you also keep in touch with Uncle Bob. I know this is all very confusing and vague, but definitely pay attention to your needs first. Who has been there for you and will continue to support throughout  your marriage.
 
If you are just having a small, intimate wedding I would advise you to make the cut at inviting people at a specific place. For example, invite immediate family, aunts and uncles and no one else. That way when other family members ask why they weren’t invited, it’s a lot easier to explain that you’re having a small wedding and only inviting certain categories of people. That being said, if your one cousin is your MOH, then they’ll have to deal with the jagged invite. Again, this is hard!!!
 

Friends

I think inviting friends is a little easier, though it will be the friends that get offended more easily. I definitely think there are some people I wish I would’ve invited and some I wish I didn’t when I look back on our day. It’s also hard because (I believe) most friendships are temporary. They’re everything for a few years of your life, and then they fade away. I have only a handful of friends whom I’m confident will be around for most of my life, so all the other people I’d invite I knew there’d be a possibility I wouldn’t be able to point out to my children one day as someone they knew. I tried to invite two types of people: the ones I had been close with for a long time and the ones I was very very close with that year. If they were newer friends (under a year), they didn’t make the list. I couldn’t predict the future and if they would still be around therefore I’d rather spend that invite on someone who’s friendship has proven itself or that I “pick up right where I leave off” with. One exception to this was a roommate I had after I got engaged. We lived together and became fast friends. I sent the save the dates the month I met her, so she didn’t get one, BUT I did end up asking her to come. I knew I wanted her there even though she was “new.”
 
Another note, acquaintances are not friends and don’t need to be invited… sorry, but we all have a million of these and though maybe we have fun with them at the bars or when we’re all hanging out with our mutual friend, they don’t need to make the cut.
 

Family Friends/Parents’ Friends

Ugh. This was the hardest for me and probably my mom too. I had one definition of family friends and my mom had another that included a few additional people that I barely knew or had only met once. For the most part, I was cool with her picks and knew those people or knew of them well. There were just a few we disagreed on and it definitely took a few tries for her to see my side. I had to explain that I just didn’t want to look out and see strangers on my wedding day or people I had to be reminded of their names (especially not from my side of the guest list). She eventually agreed to it and ended up feeling like her list was good once it was completed. 
 
The other thing to thing about is adults that you kind of grew up with i.e. parents of your lifelong friends. Again, draw lines where you want. Just because Linda is your bridesmaid that doesn’t mean you need to invite her parents unless you want to because she is your childhood friend and you always used to spend time with her family…
 

 

 

People You Work With

Invite the coworkers you frequently hang out with outside of work (aka they’re actually your friends) and your boss ONLY if you’ve worked there a long time, know him or her very well and enjoy their company.  Also, don’t invite your boss if they’ll be seeing a new version of you (read: drunk) or if they don’t mesh with the coworkers you’re inviting. Honestly, people you work with don’t need to be there unless they fit in the friends/ family friends category. It’s not going to be fun to cross the line of hanging out outside of work on your wedding day… it’s going to be awkward.
 

Plus One’s/Significant Others

You choose for this one. There are several ways you can do this, because again if you have a “rule,” it makes it easier to explain to your friends and family who are asking if they can bring a date. Here are some example rules:

• Everyone 18+ gets a plus one 
• Signifiant others get invited by name if they’ve been dating for over a year and you have met them +  if you’ve never met them, but they having been dating your guest for over a year the guest get’s a plus one
• Anyone who only knows the bride and groom at the wedding gets a plus one (so they have someone to hang out with) 

 

Children

Again, this is up to you. The reason to cut kiddos is because they’re an extra meal (aka $$$$) or you plan to have an adult PARTAY. Your fiancé and you can decide what you want and you don’t have to slash all the children across the board. You can say all first cousins are invited or anyone over 12 can come. Just remember that for some adults, this may be a dealbreaker for them. Maybe they’re family will all be at the wedding so they won’t have anyone to babysit or they’re a new parent and will need to be with the baby. For other people, though, they’ll be super excited for a night away from their kids! Just keep both in mind and make sure to just address invites to the adults and not “Watkins’ family” if you’re not including children.
 

 
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